“No” is a Full Sentence Too.
I’m not sure what prompted this article. Whether it’s the relentless pursuit of more time, the guilt at abandoning my writing - one of the very few things I can truly claim is mine - or whether I’m noticing more and more the patterns that hold sway over my life. Maybe it was all of them, or maybe it was none but whatever it was, the urge was strong enough to pull me up from the lapels of my collar and shake me. As if to say You too have a voice, woman. Or have you forgotten?
It’s just… time. And the speed at which our lives are being lived. With not a pause for reflection or introspection. I feel like I’ve been trampled on on most days. My eyes sting a little the whole time because I’m so sleepy, my energy has run its course by 4pm, right when the second part of the day has only just started. I know it’s not just me, I know I’m in very good company but these days have been the most challenging I’ve had to face. Which is funny, because I recall saying the exact same thing a year and five ago. Is it really getting worse, or am I just prone to these melancholic statements? I don’t think so, though I am getting older too.
It’s not rocket science - I am a mother of two under 5 years of age, a full time SEO Manager, I keep house, I take care of our social calendar, and I’m my own person with dreams, ambitions and projects. My husband works long hours and we’re doing up a 400 year old house and while I have been hands off in the past, I am now taking a more active role with chasing workers, choosing paint colour and suppliers, sourcing furniture. It’s a massive stressful endeavor that takes its toll on both of us in ways we rarely discuss (but should). Of course I’m going to be tired - I have very demanding days coupled with broken nights and very little rest in between. Like every other mother I know, it’s a struggle to focus without a million other things pushing each other out of the way for your attention.
Do you have that scene from FRIENDS in mind, where Phoebe loses it in a wedding dress shop? I feel like that’s me 24/7 right now.
At the beginning of the year, I promised myself one thing - that I’d learn to stick to boundaries. That, for once in my life, it was time to learn how to say No, and mean it.
Growing up (but even now) I was/am such a people pleaser. I wanted desperately to be liked, to be considered the good girl. The always-prefect of the class, the always-librarian. The always-first in class. Call it the first born syndrome, the Millenial who constantly shows up no matter what. What this entailed, what it actually relied on to work, was to say YES. Yes to stepping in for someone last minute, yes to accepting more work, and then staying later to finish on time. Yes to the little things and Yes to the bigger things. It is exhausting
I think having kids changed that for me, but it hadn’t become completely evident until this year, when I re-entered the workforce and an opportunity to change jobs came, and I naturally said yes. Don’t get me wrong, I do not regret changing my job for a minute, even though it meant going through hoops I hadn’t imagined I’d be going through anytime soon, especially not now. But it was after this change that I realised just how insanely precious my time is. There is no time to waste now, every hour carefully accounted for. One wrong decision will set me back with something, whether that’s laundry, prepping lunch boxes, a deck that needs finishing or an email that needs sending.
This is why I have to be really careful with what I decide I can give my attention to; because there’s no way I can do it all. Even if I might look it, even if maybe from the outside looking in, you might think but how does she manage to do it all? This is the hard truth - I don’t. And what I do manage to do is never at a 100% either, because it’s hard to switch off parts in your brain that are constantly on. Songs of Motherhood is the perfect example. A passion project that’s been so close to my heart in the past 3 years is probably the biggest thing I’ve had to say No to in the last months. It hurt, but it was essential so I do not hurt more. So I can give what little time I currently have to things that are further up the ladder and that need me more.
But I’m not there yet. By far. I still don’t assign enough worth to my own time, insisting “I’ll make up for it next week. When things calm down.” But things never calm down. At lest not until we’re working, raising kids, paying off a loan and trying to take care of ourselves. We enter and leave entire weeks unsure of what it is we actually achieved, placing our hopes on a “more settled” (God I hate that word, like life is ever settled) near future that does not exist. I need to say No to things that do not serve me, to take a hard look at myself and what I do to be able to define that. To be comfortable with stopping or pausing anything that’s not delivering the value I need. Not everything needs to be finished. As long as I don’t mistake a temporary dip in motivation with a clear lack of value, of what it’s “giving back to me” in return for the time I spend on it, then I need to be ok with walking away.
I know it’s not easy. If you’re anything like me, the thought of letting people down keeps me up at night and the last thing I’d ever want is to disappoint people. I’m also extremely prone to FOMO, the fear that saying No will set me back in some way or another, whether that’s my career or in social circles. There’s no secret formula to follow, I’ve learnt that talking it through or listening to my body could help but in the end, I simply have to accept the fact that I can’t see the future. That whatever decision I take now is taken considering present factors - that’s it. Don’t mistake saying No as an excuse for balking at hardships. When you feel that an opportunity is good, that it might mean tougher days but ultimately a better life, then you have your answer. There’s a fine balance that is extremely difficult to walk because too much to the right means neglecting your drive and ambition while too much to the left is burnout and discontent. It is hard. It requires a lot of reflection, a lot of back and forth between yourself and anyone who knows you maybe better than you know yourself and still, you’re pretty much taking a gamble, whatever it is you choose.
But that’s ok - because very little things are permanent, opportunities come and go, things change constantly. The only thing that’s permanent is time or better, the passing of it. You can’t control that, but in the realm of what you can actually control, there’s plenty you can still influence, plenty you can still pick and choose. In the end, I want my No to be a Yes to me, to my family, to our quality of life.
Less Phoebe in the wedding dress shop please. More “No thanks, I need the energy to:
chase my 4 year old when he asks for a game of tag
really focus at work
read and write a little every day
Occasionally, life lets you make the rules -don’t miss out. Your time is worth it.