Mummy, I don’t mean to make you angry.
Hello mummy,
I see you get angry. I see your eyes getting smaller and smaller, your mouth becomes a thin line. I don’t like it when you get angry. I like seeing you smile and when you hug me and kiss me and when you make silly faces and voices that make me laugh and that I want you to make again and again - I’m the happiest boy. But sometimes, I just can’t help it.
I want to show you I can do it all by myself. I want to tell you that I’m having way too much fun to stop now, to leave the park or the ball pit. Because what if I won’t have this much fun again? But you say “no” or “later” and…. I can’t explain it. I want to “use my words” for all these big, big feelings I have but they just don’t come. Maybe I don’t know them or maybe I can’t see them clearly in my head. These feelings - they’re bigger than me mummy. I’m angry you said no, then you’re angry because I’m angry, and then I’m sad because you’re angry so I cry even more which makes you even more angry. I get so lost.
I don’t mean to make you angry but sometimes I just want to do it my way. To see if I can, to see if I can be big like you or papa.To show you that I can because, really, I’m a big boy. I’m a good boy.
I know mornings are hard. I know after school is hard. I know bedtime can be hard. It is hard for me too.
Because all I want is to stay cuddled up with you instead of changing into a uniform.
I slept on the van back home and I’m lost and confused and I can’t understand why you’re making me do things.
I’m so happy when you’re reading me books or singing me songs at night that I don’t want to go to sleep. I like to touch your hair because it makes you look like a princess, even though you don’t like it when I do. I don’t mean to hurt but it helps me calm down or go to sleep and I promise I’ll try to be gentle.
You mummy - you, you, you are the reason I smile when I wake up looking for you. Even when you’re angry and I’m crying, when you ask me if I want a hug I’ll sit on your lap and curl up right there. I forget everything pretty fast when you hold me like that. When you shout, I feel it inside and I’m so confused that sometimes I just burst out laughing. I don’t mean to make you angrier, truly. I’m just trying to make sense of all the things I’m feeling so strongly.
You mummy, you, you, you are the person I cry out for at night because I know you’ll come next to me to help me fall right back to sleep. When I’m sad you pick me up, or we bake a cake or we cook my favourite punkin soup. You’ll chase me around even when you say you are tired because I love to run and you know it. We do HANDS UP, BABY HANDS UP with baby Laurie many, many times because it’s so funny. You call me your roly poly and then you turn me upside down again and again and again because I laugh so hard. Mummy, I wish I can fit you in my pocket (wait - can I?!) so I can take you everywhere with me. Because although I know you get mad at me sometimes, I also know you love me very much. You tell me every morning and every night so it must be true.
You tell me I’m strong and clever and kind and gentle and funny. But I’m also little mummy, even though I won’t admit it. I’m little but I’m learning every day. You’re the princess I love THIS much. And I love you even when I’m angry, and I love you even when you are.
Let’s do the roly poly again!
B x
This exercise was a journaling task set by the Muse Community - an online group of journaling mothers with resources and weekly tasks. I’m currently struggling to understand my 3 year-old’s behaviour as he navigates his own emotions and blossoming personality and this writing task has helped me frame my own feelings better.