Couple Monthly Meetings; An Opportunity to Reconnect
My husband and I have never felt the need to schedule time to talk more than now. Both of us have very busy lifestyles, a toddler who deserves - and needs - most of our attention, we’re in the process of converting and restoring a 500 year old house and we’re expecting a second baby in a few weeks. We used to make time when we find it, but now, unless we plan it ahead of time, we end up flopping on the sofa, blankly staring at a TV and generating just enough energy to make each other a cup of tea. We took stock of the situation late last year, when we embarked on a mission to save up and invest more of our money. At first, the meetings were meant to focus on just that - budgeting and forecasting - but these evolved to include more goals we set for ourselves at the beginning of the year. In this post I’ll walk you through the process we follow, the questions we ask ourselves each month and how it’s been going so far. If all this sounds right up your alley, then read on ❤️
Budgeting
The first step that pushed us to have these meetings was the realisation that we ought to be saving a lot more money than we were. So my husband ran an exercise I would recommend to anyone setting out to save more money. He looked at our spending of the past year; every last transaction in as much as we could, was listed and labelled according to what it was (Shopping, Travel, Groceries, Utilities, etc). Based on these numbers, and on the target we set to achieve for the year, we set ourselves a budget and created pockets on Revolut (we used Revolut for this exercise and found it super helpful) for every type of spend. So in a month we’d know we have X amount to spend on Groceries and Y on Fuel/Local Travel. Naturally, we sometimes borrow from pockets and leave notes on Revolut but for the most part, it works. This was what got us going to have these monthly meetings, until we realised life wasn’t just about saving money.
-
From initial feedback, we’ve been told it would be helpful to list all kind of expenses we try to budget for every month. And while this might look different for you, it could prove helpful when you’re starting out:
Car Sevices. We put in a monthly amount to use that once/twice a year.
Children Expenses. Nursery fees, clothes, pediatrician appts and medicine
Coffees. We like our weekly/daily cappuccino
Donations.
Fuel/Local Travel. Used for taxi rides too.
Groceries
Home Expenses. Decor, fixes, cleaning fees.
Personal Care. Medical appointments, skincare, beautician/hairdresser.
Restaurants. Also includes take outs
Shopping and Misc. Gifts, other non-essential (but still essential!!!!) items.
Utilities/Insurance. Bills and insurance fees
Other ideas you could look into: Travel, Loans (which we deduct before the budgeting).
There are months when some of the categories are empty of funds becuase we make the conscious decision to not spend money on the item.
Set High-Level Measurable Goals & Intentions
At the beginning of the year, we left our toddler with my sister-in-law for an hour or so, and headed to a café to talk about what we wanted to achieve. We started big - we talked about our 10 year goals, and 5 year goals. These were very much financially driven but you can think outside that sphere to personal goals that resonate more with you. Setting these long term goals help us break down every year so they ladder up to that final goal at the end of 10 years.
Then we looked at the year ahead. This was a lot more elaborate and we split these up as follows:
Family Goals
Child Rearing (This included how we wish to develop as parents)
Relationship
Career Goals - we split this in two, one for myself and one for my husband.
Personal Goals - again these were split between us and included house reno, personal reading objectives, passion projects, etc
Financial Goals
Choose your own goals based on your lifestyle. Maybe you have Travel Goals, Friendship Goals or Business Goals you wish to track. Make it yours and as relevant to you as possible.
This meeting at the start of the year (though you can have it any point in time!!) is not only an opportunity to set down targets that will benefit you as a family, but also a chance to self-reflect. Be realistic with the things you set out to achieve, and limit yourself with how many goals you set. I’m no expert to tell you what that number should be, I’m sure you know yourself well enough to set a number of goals that you’re comfortable with 😊
Intentions are different. They are not measurable but reflect a relationship with yourself. Be more present for instance is one of mine. It’s hard to quantify or measure that, but it is the type of person I wish to be. Show gratitude more often is another one Carl and I are both working on this year. It’s important to pepper this section with Intentions as well.
Plan, Plan, Plan your Time Together
The day we have a meeting, is the day we schedule the next one - and then stick to it. This is incredibly important as it sets the tone for how seriously you’re taking it. The moment a meeting is missed, it just becomes that easier to miss the next one and so on. We usually have it in the evening, after we put our son to sleep, but if we don’t, we try to arrange for babysitting duties, and then make an evening of it. I honestly cannot stress the importance of showing up for this to work. Consider this like a work meeting or an interview you wouldn’t dream of cancelling. To be honest, I feel this should be treated with even more importance.
Start with a little Retro
At my workplace, we work in sprints, 2 week stretches at the end of which we review what went well, what could be improved and what needs to be eliminated. We start our monthly meeting with something similar. We talk about Happy Moments, Wins & Highlights but also Challenging Moments & Things to Improve Next Month. We ask ourselves What Goals did I Work on And What’s the Progress and then we list what we want to Do More of and Less of the following month. This is a great time to not only list off these things, but to see how you could help each other moving forward. I love this bit, as it also serves as a little motivation boost - we may not have reached all our goals, but look how much we’ve done!
Time to Set Monthly Goals
The next bit is where we set goals for the following month. Sometimes, goals from the previous month will spill over, sometimes we set fresh targets. Very often, we list the steps needed to achieve these goals so that, even if the main goal was not met, we may have met most of the steps and only the last bit needs to be carried over to the following month.
Goals should be diverse and should hark back to the yearly goals you set. How am I doing against my overarching goals and intentions? Am I finding something more challenging that I thought? Do I need more support? Have I overlooked something that needs to fit in somehow? It’s OK to change your yearly goals if you think they’re not working for you, or if they’re not giving you the value you thought they would. As long as you talk it through and agree together, it’s probably the best decision you could take.
In my planner, which I use for all their incredible prompts, I also have a wishlist section. Sometimes we leave this empty but I usually have a short list of things I need to remember to buy or do. This is secondary though - you can do this on your own, and not part of the couples meeting.
Don’t forget to go through your goals as the month progresses, and remind your partner of them too. Stay accountable and show up for yourself. You’ve got this!
Always write down a couple of steps needed to achieve the goal
Quarterly Review
At the end of every quarter, the meeting is a little bit longer because we take stock of the entirety of the past three months, and then look ahead at where we wish to be at the end of the next three months. Again, this is the right time to celebrate all your little wins, to boost each other up and to see how you can be there for each other to make the next 3 months a success.
Celebrate!
If you’ve menaged to find this time for yourselves, to talk about you as a couple and a family, you truly deserve a pat on the back. It’s not easy to make time, and even harder to commit to something, to track it and to be honest with yourself and your loved one. But I can see the benefits now that we’re a quarter down. It won’t always be motivating - sometimes setbacks are just out of your control. You miss out on a promotion, or your house contractor lets you down again and will delay all the work you might have set goals against (true story). It’s ok, and all part of the process. As long as you talk about how this makes you feel, and as long as you reach out for help if you need it, then you’re still on the right track. Not every month will be great, but these meetings help to highlight the really good ones too. I find we always focus on the bad more than the good and these catch-ups serve for both of you to be grateful for what is going well. And it’s honestly all that matters in the end.
Do you have more questions about the meetings? Would you like to see other printables that might help you? Please fill in the form below - you can also remain anonymous if you wish.
If you’ve found this post helpful let me know by sharing, commenting or sending me feedback x