Before you go about, folding up this letter and putting it in the “not sure what this is but could prove useful someday” drawer (do you still do that?), this is you talking, only 10 years younger.
I’m afraid it won’t prove useful to you, in the practical useful sense of things. Rather, you will either feel extremely satisfied and flamboyant by the end, or downcast and, just maybe, a little disappointed with yourself. I suggest you make yourself a cup of tea first. You can never go wrong with tea. But you know that.
I’m writing to you because I’m at a point in my life where so many things are happening , so many thoughts have been changed, turned around, then changed back, that I feel like I have no idea where I’m heading. I strongly feel that listing all the things I hope to have achieved by the time you’re reading this, will help me sort the jungle which seemed to have settled somewhere inside me.
You know I’m a control freak. You know how much I hate not being able to control the things which are affecting me and my moods. I wish, with all my heart, that by the time you open this letter, you have managed to find the serenity needed to compromise with anything which is beyond my reach to control. I hope that you are now wise enough to realise that not everything can be manipulated and that it’s okay. It’s okay not to be able to shape everything the way you want it to be. That you realise that that is kind of selfish. When I feel that things are slipping out of hand, when I start becoming agitated over meaningless things, I try to stop and breathe. It doesn’t always work but I guess knowing what I’m weak at is the first step to strengthen it (just like the amazing abs you probably sport by now, right?) Joking aside, I do wish I’ve become less prone to stress-induced thoughts. Or at least that I can kick their ass if need be.
Whatever technology you have now, I hope you’ve managed to distance yourself from it. Because right now I swear my mobile phone has become an extension to my hand and I hate it. I used to blame living alone and being far from family and friends which got me senselessly addicted to it. But now it’s just who I am. Constantly peering at my blasted phone for a text (which doesn’t always come) and blaming myself, feeling sad for something which is totally, totally beyond me. What is this? Why do I have to rely on technology and other people for my own happiness? Isn’t it enough that I’m back with my family, that I have a job I love? The answers kind of elude me right now. Maybe I’m going through an attention seeking phase or maybe I am lacking in something. Whatever it is, I hope you’ve found the answers you’ve been looking for. (And that it hasn’t taken you ten years. Nah, just kidding. I think.)
Does it still get kind of lonely sometimes? I’m sure everyone goes through phases. I think I’ve been going back and forth through states which range from the “I am my own bestfriend” to the “I don’t think anyone except for mum and dad really loves me” endlessly these last months. It’s frustrating at best. Sometimes I believe it’s because I’m still finding myself. Is it okay to still feel so lost at 25? That you’re exuberantly happy with your life one moment and maddeningly depressed about it the next? How are you doing at 35? Did you finally get a hold of what makes you happy, locked it somewhere, and threw away the key? Are you still wandering, asking yourself what it takes to make you happy? Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with wandering. I just don’t feel like being too lost. That’s all.
I have so many questions I’d love to get an answer to. Did you manage to have a quirky library at your place? One with a ladder to reach the top shelves? Are you still into owls or has that only been a phase? Do you still get insane cravings from nowhere and you’d find yourself sitting at the edge of your seat before you satisfy them? Do you still have that funny laugh which sounds like you’re stammering through something? And be honest, are you still looking at the price tags when you shop? And do you still slouch against walls, heels, skirt and all, when you think no one is watching? I hear you. Being a lady is tiring. I’m sure you pull it off fairly well, though (here’s a pat on the back for ya).
This letter could span into The Divine Comedy if I wanted it to. Even Dante would be impressed. But I think I got my most prominent feelings through. You know, dear 35 year old Rob, most people like to write “Dear 16 year old Me” letters, imparting the great wealth of knowledge they have learnt throughout the years and hoping someone will benefit from it. I don’t feel like I’m in that position just yet. And I don’t want to look backwards. I want to look up and ahead. I want to see myself at 35 being happy and healthy, surrounded by people who love me. I want to see myself as having a successful career, my own place, my own family. That’s what I’ll be working on for the next 10 years. I’ll see you at the finish line and we’ll compare checklists. How’s that?
I hope that, by the time you’re reading this, you will look back, remember me writing it beneath the pretty fairy lights and feel pity at how I let the smallest and meaningless of things darken my days. That you will smile because, in some way or another, I will follow the right path without knowing I’m doing so, that just because it had a few potholes and dead ends it didn’t mean it wasn’t the right one after all. It just got dark sometimes, and it may have rained A LOT making me wander aimlessly in circles but there you are, reading this and smiling. I’d like to think of it that way at least. A pinch of positivity does no harm to anyone.
Rob, I truly hope you haven’t changed much. I hope you still strut in killer heels in the morning like a
bitch boss and cuddle up with the owly teddy at night. I hope you’re still a hopeless romantic at heart and that you still have that rosy lens which makes sunsets all the more spectacular and memories all the more memorable. I hope you still care for the people you hold dear and that you’re not afraid to show them the lengths you’d go. And I desperately hope that you’re still a simple girl at heart. That a sincere hug would make you the happiest of them all.
Now let’s get that checklist out. 🙂
A 25 year old Rob x